C.R.U.S.T.

Concerned Residents United for Spin Throughput

*** BREAKING: The Loaf continues to rotate at an unacceptable speed *** MEMBERSHIP IS UP *** NO ONE HAS CHECKED THE MEMBERSHIP NUMBERS *** ROTATE WITH US ***

Welcome, friend. You have found the official homepage of C.R.U.S.T., a powerful coalition of Portlanders who have looked upon the Franz Bakery bread and felt, deep in their bones, that it could be going faster.

WE ARE NOT ANGRY. WE ARE CONCERNED.

The giant rotating bread loaf sign atop a bakery building in Portland, photographed at dusk. — Fig. 1. The Bread. This is a video. It's that slow.

🚧 THIS SITE IS UNDER CONSTRUCTION. THE BREAD IS NOT. 🚧

📜 The Manifesto

We, the Concerned Residents, hold these truths to be self-evident: that a loaf of bread, once elevated above a building and set to turn, enters into a sacred contract with the city below. It must turn. And it must turn with conviction.

The Loaf turns. We acknowledge this. We are not ungrateful. But it turns at the speed of a thing that has not been checked on in some time. It turns like it is thinking about something else. A city that maintains an aerial tram to a hospital can surely find the resources to rotate bread at a competitive rate.

We have stood beneath it at dusk. We have timed it with our phones. We have compared notes. We have formed a committee to compare the notes. The committee has concluded, unanimously, that more is possible.

Spin Throughput (n.): the number of bread faces presented to the public per minute. It is the only metric that matters. It is currently too low.

✋ Our Demands

An immediate and measurable increase in rotational velocity.
A public RPM display, visible from the street, updated in real time.
Quarterly Spin Audits, conducted by a neutral third party, possibly a scientist from NASA.
A yearly lottery that picks one Portland resident to attempt to ride the bread.

🌀 Official Spin-O-Meter

Metric	Status
Current spin	Leisurely
Acceptable spin	Brisk
Dream spin	Visible from Vancouver
Progress toward goal

❓ Frequently Asked Questions

Are you affiliated with the bakery?: No. The bakery has not returned our letters. We have not sent any letters.
How fast is fast enough?: We will know it when we see it. We have not seen it.
Isn't this kind of a lot of energy to put into a sign?: Yes.
How can I help?: See below. Look down. Further. There.

Every bumper is a billboard. Every billboard is a step toward the spin.

SUPPORT THE MOVEMENT

Official C.R.U.S.T. bumper sticker. Apply directly to bumper.